It has been one month and two days since Renee’s transplant. In one way, it seems like it was just last week – we have been so immersed in it, it just pervades everything. On the other hand, it has been so present for us that a tiny bit of it feels like it has always been this way.
Renee is doing extremely well. She had her stitches out last week, and she is going to start driving again this weekend. She has full mobility, and her strength is returning. And while there has been a bit of struggle to get her meds where they need to be, overall, things are going great.
She posts updates periodically as public posts on her Facebook page, if you want to follow along.
Lots of people have asked how I am doing in the aftermath of it all. That’s a really good question, and truth be told, I am only now beginning to feel it all. As I have said before, I am a post-processor. I don’t process in advance, which means I seldom worry and I am great in a crisis. The bad news is, after it is all said and done, it all hits me in waves.
And hit me, it has.
I am tired. All the time. And yet, I have trouble sleeping. I just want to sit and read. Or work in my yard. Or anything that doesn’t involve talking to people. Oh god, the people.
I love everybody, and I love talking to people, and I love my work – every bit of it. And right now, dealing with people exhausts me. Even by remote, like social media – all exhausting. It is like my introvert meter has cranked up to 11. The closest I can come to describing it is saying that it’s the sense of obligation, the fear of taking on more – even if it is as minor an obligation as a returned email – that terrifies me.
This would make perfect sense if this was happening four weeks ago, when I had tons of responsibility, when she was in a coma, when it was all on me. But as I said above, she is doing great and is almost entirely self-sufficient. I don’t have many real obligations now because of her health – it’s just the delayed reaction is finally catching up with me.
In fact, even basic writing is difficult right now – I feel like this blog post is riddled with awkward phrasing and disjointed thoughts. But I am publishing it anyway, as a way of getting back in the saddle, so to speak.
This will, no doubt, pass, and I will eventually be back to normal. Until then, I am going to ask for some grace – I will eventually return the emails and the phone calls, and please know that if I seem tired or distracted when we are talking, it isn’t you, it’s me. And eventually, I will get my ability to fake being an extrovert back. But the truth is, that takes a lot of energy, and right now, that is something I just don’t have a lot of.